Why Do You Have to Be So Mean?

My husband's brother had two children, Matthew and Melinda, while my husband chose not to have any.  So, my husband was always close to his nieces and nephews throughout their lives.  His nephew, Matt, had a brain tumor when he was 26 years old, and had surgery and radiation treatment at the time - which is now over 30 years ago.

Matt worked hard, got a master's degree, and worked for AT&T for many years.  He married and had a son, John.  As so often happens these days, they divorced and John went to live with his mother.  By this time, Matt's father hated the woman who divorced his son, and therefore he never had a relationship with his grandson, either.

At church one Sunday, Matthew met a vivacious woman with long dark hair and a smile that would make you happy just looking at her.  She was a single mom with two small children, and Matt was a lonely young man looking for a family.  They married and loved each other for over 20 years.  His father was now a happy man, seeing his son happy after so much pain, right?  Oh, no!  Dad was convinced that "she only married him for his money."  What money?  Matt worked a middle management job and probably was able to invest in a 401K, pretty much what everyone else was doing at the time.  Not going to become a millionaire like that.  And his wife's ex-husband took care of his share of the expenses for their two children, so it's not like Matt had to assume the entire burden of raising the two.

Eventually, a few years ago, scar tissue formed in Matt's brain at the site of his tumor surgery.  He began to lose function in several ways, and became unable to work.  His wife carried on, running the household, caring for Matt and her two children and working full-time.  She was the best caretaker anyone could hope for - she did what was absolutely necessary, but allowed Matt to do anything that he possibly could for himself.  When it became dangerous to leave him alone in the house, she found the best nursing home for him, close to their home so she could see him every day.

Matt's parents visited their son once a year.  His sister, Melinda, visited occasionally, but she had two daughters and a husband and a job at home in a far-away state.  A few weeks ago, Matt suffered a massive seizure and died.  Even though his death was unexpected, no one would have wished that he had lived longer and declined further.

Matthew's family is going to have a small, private service in their home town.  His wife intends to take his ashes up in the mountains where they spent so many happy hours together.  Matt's father and sister want to have another memorial service where they live, even though Matt hadn't been there for over 30 years.  Today they published an obituary for Matt.

The obituary praised Matt for being a wonderful son, brother, father, and uncle.  Wait, I had to read that again.  No husband?  Matt was married when he died, his wife of 20+ years totally ignored.  Then, the obit mentioned Matt being survived by his parents, his sister and husband and two nieces, and a son and grandson - but no WIFE!  How can people be so cruel?  I am so ashamed to call them in-laws.  They are out-laws to me.

Matt loved his wife.  He loved his step-children.  And they loved him.  We visited them several times and saw how happy their lives were.  The only thing tarnishing their lives was the disapproval and nastiness of Matt's family.  And now it continues even after that sweet boy's death.

This Mess Has Got Me Depressed

Depression is not a word that generally applies to me. My marriage is good, my children are healthy, my grandchildren are perfect in every way, my life is busy and filled with laughter and happiness. So why do I feel depressed?

It's this economy and what it's done to people - and I mean people I know and love - not some "people." First, though, is the fact that I am sad about the death of Ron's sister, Betty, in Florida. She was a victim of old age. After selling their home in Myrtle Beach, she and her husband, Frank, moved to St. Petersburg and bought a condo in a high-rise by the water. They were fine for several years, then Frank got a diagnosis of lung cancer and died within two years. And those last two years were extremely hard on his wife, since she never left his side except to go grocery shopping.

After Frank died, we all thought Betty would move to California to live with their daughter. But the timing was off. The housing bubble had just burst and the condo that had been worth $400K was now unmarketable. She had it on the market off and on for two years, and wouldn't come down to a price that might have drawn buyers, saying "I'm not going to give it away." So she stayed there, waiting . .. waiting.. . waiting. Then she got an infection that spread to the plastic valve in her heart and then she was terminal. She wasn't strong enough to survive the heart surgery to replace the valve and antibiotics can't work on plastic. So, after two months of pain and suffering and (although it's not important, probably a bill of about half a million) she passed away.

There are so many "if only's" in that story, it just makes me sad. Now her kids will sell the condo for $150K and that will be that.

And my daughter's mother-in-law is facing foreclosure on her condo, she's walking away from her car lease, and declaring bankruptcy. My friend and her husband are walking away from their house that three years ago they were thrilled with, but now see as a really bad investment since it's worth about half what they paid for it. They found out this weekend that about 5 or 6 of their neighbors are going to do the same thing. My son refinanced his house to pay off his ex-wife to get her out of his life, and was hoping and praying that the market would recover before the loan adjusted so that he could either sell it or refi it again into a 30-year fixed. But no. He's going to try to short sale it.

I feel like I'm on an island and the tide is coming in. Where can we move? I can't bear to watch what's coming - I don't think the worst is over.

And forget about the kids that are looking for jobs!