Sunday, October 05, 2014

FF Experts


Experts...




You know before the season starts how everybody is an expert right? The plethora of FFL magazines that are out there, the fantasy football "gurus" who all have their own rankings, the top 200, etc., etc., etc. I mean for christsakes, this guy Matthew Berry has made a million dollar career out of his so called fantasy football knowledge and has his own TV show on ESPN every Sunday morning!

Well, truth is, they don't know shit. Now, granted, I know we are only through the first quarter of the season, and yes, some teams have played in three games instead of four because of their bye, but it's time to look at the players who are making it happen for some and those that have so far been missing in action for others...THIS is the team you should have drafted and their FFL points to date, let's see how the current league leaders compare to all of those "expert" pre-season rankings:

YOUR ALL-SHOULDA TEAM:

QB: Andrew Luck - 103
Bench: Phillip Rivers - 81
MIA...Tom Brady, Cam Newton, Peyton Manning, Drew Brees...

RB's: DeMarco Murray - 89, Le'Veon Bell - 77
Bench: Marshawn Lynch & Ahmad Bradshaw - 67
MIA...Eddie Lacy, Zac Stacy, LeSean McCoy, Arian foster, Adrian Peterson...

WR's: Antonio Brown - 102, Jordy Nelson - 94, Julio Jones 0 88
Bench: Steve Smith - 84, Randall Cobb - 74, Jeremy Maclin - 74
MIA...De Sean Jackson, AJ Green, Alshon Jeffery, Pierre Garcon, Brandon Marshall, Calvin Johnson, Dez Bryant...

TE: Martellus Bennett - 82
Bench: Jimmy Graham - 80
MIA...Rob Gronkowski, Vernon Davis...

DST: Eagles - 42
MIA...Panthers, Seahawks...

K: Dan Bailey - 45
MIA... Who cares? Kickers are like disposable lighters, when you're done with one, just go get a new one...

Weekly Game Ball: BOY...I say BOY, that there's enough of that! Jarrett gets one weekly game ball and he has to go all teenager on us and take EVERYTHING to the extreme, don't ya kid?? Talk about disrespecting your own FATHER, and he's been so good to you! Now you tell him you are very sorry and go to your room and think about what you've done!!

The WTF Happened? Award: The Miami Vice boys were on another apparent easy cruise down South Beach Blvd last week until Monday night when a Dingo named Jamaal snuck up on their convertible, jumped in the back seat, and peed all over their freshly starched and pressed Armani suits...

The Shit The Bench Award:

Kid - 143
LGOP - 123
Shades - 105
Big Dogs - 90
Scoregasms - 70
Vice - 66
Insane - 65
Wheel of Names - 62
Dingos - 36
Stumpjumpers - 8

On a side note, PA's QB STB score alone was -23....how do you not do a Discount Double Check and start Aaron Rodgers??? Every...single...week...like...for...ever...

Stupid Football Quote of the Week: "Their offense has to score points if they want to win" - Herm Edwards

This is pure genius Herm...now, back to you Matthew Berry...

$$$ Updates:

MVP) Andrew Luck, Wheel - 103 pts

High Point Game) You know who you are, shame on you - 159!!!


Until next week, good luck all, play HARD, and stay thirsty! Oh, and tune in to Thursday night football tonight....the Rodgers family will be sending cheesehead shout-outs to all of us from the Packer side 20 yard line...watch for 'em!!!


Steve Nikodym
2253 East Springfield Place
Chandler, AZ 85286

Sunday, September 28, 2014

The NFL Crisis Room

League Manager's Note
The Crisis Room...
Hey gang, full disclosure up front..can't take credit for this one. I tweaked it a bit, but came across this on some sports website about the NFL's "leader" and thought it was too good...and true... not to pass on...

In the past days, weeks, and months, the NFL has appeared to be operating without any public relations or crisis procedures in place. That simply can't be possible since the NFL is a multi-billion dollar business with money stacked on top of money, right? At some point the league had to have thrown some of it at a high priced PR firm to come up with something, no? Maybe that plan is shoved in a desk drawer somewhere with the Ray Rice video or burned into ashes in the Spygate tape incinerator, but it has to exist...this is what I think it looks like:

I. Crisis Situation - A crisis occurs when a piece of negative news gains enough attention with the public that it threatens to harm the NFL's "brand" or previously mentioned cash stacking...

II. The Crisis Communication Purpose - While each crisis is different, (beating up women vs children, for example) the communication plan is a blueprint that can be used in response to any crisis to try to quickly change the public's focus and get them back thinking about important NFL things, such as whom to bet on or why their fantasy team sucks...

III. Pre-Crisis Action PLan - Always be reactive instead of proactive when faced with a situation that could become a crisis. Usually the problem will simply go away all by itself thanks to the general public's short attention span and obsession with their phones. If not, however, these steps MUST be followed!! 1) Don't do anything at first and just hope it doesn't end up on YouTube, 2) If it's not forgotten within 72 hours, issue a statement saying you are "gathering information and will have no further comment until we have all the facts", 3) Don't actually gather any information or facts because those things usually end up a rabbit hole of ugliness that can only tarnish the "brand" if they get out, 4) Wait another week and hope the public forgets about the whole thing, 5) If people still want action, bust a player for marijuana to send a message that we mean business!, 6) Wait another week and hope the public forgets about the first thing, 7) If people STILL haven't forgotten, meet with the accused player and issue a statement saying you feel the player has "learned from his mistake", 8) Suspend another guy for weed, 9) Hope that the public will finally let go of this already!!

If people are still refusing to move on, do some sort of public appearance that honors the troops. People love the troops and if you honor them, the public will think: "Well, hey, they're honoring the troops. The NFL is good people, now I feel bad for my ill feelings toward them."

Still no? OK then, your hand has been forced. It's time to punish the player. Have the commissioner's secretary set up his giant "Wheel O'Suspensions and Fines", give it a spin and see where it stops, then announce the punishment.

*Special Note: This reactive Pre-Crisis Plan is only for a good player. If the player is not good, he'll be cut as soon as the allegation comes out, completely washing the NFL's hands of any negative publicity...

IV. Crisis Action Plan - Ha! It's never going to get to this point. This is the NFL. No matter what happens, the public will love you, so we'll leave this section blank. If stuff would ever get to this point...yikes. That would really suck. Who knows? Just start handing out indefinite suspensions? Blame a secretary for not turning over evidence? Have the league spokesperson (commissioner) disappear for a week or more until everything hopefully blows over? Surely players couldn't keep getting arrested every day for heinous crimes. Surely. Obviously, that's not a great plan, but again, it's really unlikely things ever get this far. You're the NFL. Contact us if you want to hash this section out a little bit more. You should be good though... :)

Weekly Game Ball: Gotta be Multiple Scoregasms playing the role of dominatrix by whipping the Bradyless Dingos all day Sunday and into the night until she finally and mercifully had to utter her "safe" phrase of, "Please, please...just make it stop..."

The WTF Happened? Award: The Legion of Boobs gave defending champ LGOP a 54 point Double D sized motorboating along with his second consecutive double digit loss...might want to start looking for a trophy sized box...

The Shit The Bench Award: A Dingo Ate My Brady has been trying her best as of late to set a FF league record, ANY record...and she finally did!! Congratulations, you have set a new standard that may keep you in the record books for years to come! The new STB score to beat is... -9 ...no, not 9... -9 ...really...

Stupid Football Quote of the Week: "First, we will get our house in order. Second, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, we will blah, blah, blah..." - Roger Goodell

Um, quick question, if it's MOST importantly, it should probably be FIRST on your list there Rog, don't ya think?!?!? Oh, and btw, this guy makes $44 million dollars a year!!!

$$$ Updates: MVP) Julio Jones, Miami Vice & Andrew Luck, Wheel of Changed Names - 74 pts

High Point Game) Multiple Scoregasms - 155

Speaking of $$$, I have half of the league members entry fees to date...just sayin'

Until next week, good luck all, play HARD, and stay thirsty!


Steve Nikodym
2253 East Springfield Place
Chandler, AZ 85286


STB Fantasy Football Notes

September 15, 2014

STB

Professional football is king. No American sport even comes close to the popularity of the NFL, despite the explosive off the field issues of late... The games are custom made for high definition big screen TV's, appetizers, wearing your team's jersey, and frosty cold mugs of beer. Throw in the invention of fantasy football and there's nothing better than football Sundays. Except maybe football Sundays with family and friends at a sports bar! Some of us west-coasters clinked our glasses together at a local watering hole this weekend for all of the above...(yes, of course we clinked our glasses to you east-coasters and also Kyle, who had to be 30,000 feet up in the air at the time as well...)

Unfortunately, for some of us, then the games started and it seemed like every other player in our line-ups went down like there were million dollar bounties on their heads and snipers perfectly positioned at the top of every stadium! At one point, Nancy shockingly looked up from her phone, turned to me, and exclaimed, "Are you freakin' kidding me? AJ Green is hurt? I'm losing 88-10! My bench has twice as many points as my starters!" We've all been there...you THINK you know who you should play and who makes sense on your bench, but then they kick it off and nothing makes sense. Or you pick someone up off the waiver wire, put him in your starting line-up, think about it for awhile, change your mind, take him out cause you just don't trust him, and then watch as he scores the opening touchdown at the exact same time the guy you put back in gets sniped right before your very eyes! Bottom line is...either way, it sucks whenever one of your bench guys outscores one of your starters, but it's even worse when the difference that guy would have made turns out to be the difference between you winning and losing that week. We now have a name (and not coincidentally, a new award :) for this weekly bench/starter conundrum....it's called "Shitting The Bench".

The amount of each fantasy owner's Shitting of his/her Bench (STB) can easily be calculated by taking their starters scores and subtracting their bench players scores, therefore determining a new Shit Point Differential, if you will. The higher score, the better...a low score means your starters didn't get it done this week...or maybe got sniped..

This week's results:

Stumpjumpers - 91
Insane - 62
BOOBS - 58
Vice - 53
Shades - 44
LGOP - 34
Big Dogs - 31
My Brady - 26
Feelers - 23

Sorry J-Bay, sometimes that's how it goes...Game Ball one week, STB award the next...

Time for some $$$ updates!

High Point Game: Tie) 141 - PA Stumpjumpers & Legion of BOOBS

MVP: Jordy Nelson (52 pts) - 50 Shades of Green Bay

Until next week, good luck, play HARD, stay thirsty, and watch out for snipers!!


Steve Nikodym
2253 East Springfield Place
Chandler, AZ 85286

Sunday, September 07, 2014

The Face of God

Had a conversation yesterday with an old man who has lived here for 50 years.  He told of working with a well driller back a few years who was a genius at finding water.  He was so good, in fact, that they would arrive at a site in the morning, he would decide where to drill, they would set up the rig, and have water by lunchtime.  A quick bite, a pee, maybe a smoke and then off to drill another well before dark.  


The old man said he had thought long and hard about God in his life, and had learned working with the driller that Water is the Face of God.  Nothing lives without water, Water is the trinity: vapor, liquid, solid.  We are composed of Water and a few other chemicals, everything you see outside your window contains Water.  He said he goes to church for the music and the food sometimes, but when he wants to feel the presence of God, he goes for a walk.

Wednesday, September 03, 2014

Get Your Act Together Before It's Too Late

An acquaintance back in New Jersey has been involved in a volatile, often abusive, relationship with one of those striking Italian brunettes that are native to the Jersey Shore.  He has threatened more than once to pack up his van and get out of Dodge (or Little Egg Harbor, in this case).  But, like in the Sopranos, every time he's almost out, "they pull me back in." And off he goes on the roller coaster again.

Recently, however, there was a new twist to the soap opera.  The Jersey girl was hospitalized with an aneurysm.  Her brain was swelling so that the doctors had to remove half her skull.  She has been in a coma for three weeks now.  Of course, Jersey Boy has been distraught, fearing that his sometime wish to have her out of his life might really be granted.

The feeling of helplessness he's experiencing has expressed itself in the decision to have her name tattooed down his arm from shoulder to wrist.  A friend who obviously knows the history of this on-again, off-again love affair posted on Facebook: "And nobody ever regretted a decision like that."  I wonder if Jersey Boy even got it.

I have walked around this planet with my eyes and ears open long enough to have learned a few things, and here is one of them.  You spend the first 18 years just growing up, going to school, rolling along to adulthood.  Then, you spend from 18 to about 30 figuring out who you are and learning what not to do.  This is also when you pair up with someone and pass on your genes to the next generation.  From 30 to 50, though, is when you actually get your shit together.  Your career is established, you accumulate assets, you realize your parents aren't going to live forever and you will step up to the plate, and you learn to take comfort in good friends, beautiful sunsets, and the fact that you have only put on an extra 15 pounds since your college days.

Now Jersey Boy is pushing 50, so it's beyond time to break the addiction to drama.