Sunday, June 23, 2013

Can I Be Myself?

I have just finished reading Andrew McCarthy's book, The Longest Way Home, and it has made me want to examine my life - my feelings, my thoughts, my belief system - rather than continue to make decisions based on someone else's beliefs.  Too often I make a choice based on the cost of something.  Living with DH for so long has installed in my brain a calculator that instantly knows when something is too costly, not in my opinion, but in his.  He doesnt even have to be present.

Here are some simple examples: we were at Lowe's and I saw a new product: a sports towel that when wet stays cool and keeps you cool. Since I have always had a problem with sweating rivers when it's hot, my friend said "buy it," but it was $14.99 and I knew that DH would say, why do you need that? He would say that any hand towel would do just as well.  So I didn't buy it.  Now, after reading Andrew's book, I am ready to be myself and decide things based on what I think, what I feel, rather than just avoiding DH's judgment and criticism.

Another example is "The Chair."  For twenty years I have wanted a really super comfortable overstuffed armchair.  I just have visions of sitting in such a chair, maybe with a slipcover, reading Anne of Green Gables to my granddaughters.  And not long ago I saw "the chair" on an episode of "Big Bang Theory." It was perfect.  So I started shopping online.  Without a time-consuming search I found one at Macy's.  It costs $700.  DH wants to buy all our furniture at Goodwill.  He would sit on a pillow on the floor rather than spend more than $50 for any piece of furniture.  All these years I have lived with those constraints.  But no more.  I intend to buy my chair.  

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