My son is in a Fantasy Football League (isn't everyone?) and he writes the summary of each week's standings for their League. I was told that he had a really, really bad week last week. Here's what he wrote, and if you are a Fantasy Footballer, you will understand it. If not, posts will be back to normal tomorrow.
Making History by Steve Nikodym, Chandler, Arizona
History was never really my thing in school, but when it comes to sports, I'm not too bad at spewing forth large vats of utterly useless information and meaningless factoids...that being said, you should know that history was made in our league this week folks, and I wanted everyone to share in this record breaking event that will no doubt go down in the annals of fantasy football lore forever...but first, here's a pop quiz for you: Take a look at this list and guess what these sporting events all have in common, culminating in our own recent record breaker...
High School Basketball, 1990 - Morningside 102, South Torrance 24 (At the Half!) Before South Torrance took their ball and went home, Lisa Leslie went Wilt Chamberlain and scored 100 points...by herself...yes, in a half...
Soccer, 2001 - Australia 31, American Samoa 0...In a World Cup qualifier...no, Samoa didn't qualify...wait a minute, did you know we had an AMERICAN Samoa soccer team?? Oh, that's right, obviously we don't...
Cricket, 2007 - Sri Lanka 201, Kenya 27...I know nothing about cricket other than it can last for days, but apparently, a 174 run margin is pretty good. The next closest blowout was when South Africa defeated Scotland in a 130 run three day nail biter...
NASCAR, 1965 - Ned Jarrett finished 14 LAPS ahead of 2nd place Buck Baker...only 15 of the 44 cars that started the race finished however, actually, that doesn't sound so much like a race, it sounds more like a modern day morning commute...
Pro Football, 1940 - Chicago Bears 73, Washington Redskins 0...The Redskins had called the Bears "quitters" and "cry babies" earlier in the season, thus becoming the first team to provide what we now refer to as "bulletin board material"...on a side note, no one at the game that day was offended by the Redskins name, just their play...
Horse Racing, 1973 - Secretariat won the triple crown, setting records in all three races...he won the Belmont by 31 lengths...the literally left-in-the-dust losers were all immediately shipped off to some guy named Elmer...
Ice Hockey, 2008 - Slovakia 82, Bulgaria 0...It was 31 - 0 after the first period...eventually even the Zamboni had a hat trick...
And, THIS JUST IN...
Fantasy Football, 2013 - Multiple Scoregasms 127, LGOP 49...Not only did LGOP contribute to his scoregasmic jackstomping by piling up a putrid league low 49 points, he also became the first team in the modern Fantasy Football era to have a starting quarterback AND a team defense each score a -1 point in a 60 minute game...UNPRECEDENTED!! This immediately prompted "Looks Good On Paper" to change his team name to WIDOPUWEGHOSARMS, which roughly translates to "Whoever I Draft Or Pick Up Will Eventually Get Hurt Or Suck And RUIN MY SEASON!!"
Weekly Game Ball: In a VON down by the MILLER, a.k.a. Matt Foley, gave himself a motivational speech a few weeks ago and it worked...he announced he was ready to make a run at the playoffs...PLAYOFFS?!? and is doing just that, winning three in a row by scouring the weekly waiver wire and doing a little wheeling and dealing on the side...When asked if this was the key to his surprising turnaround, he replied, "Nah, I just promised my players that if they win I'll give 'em my lifetime supply of GOVERNMENT CHEESE!!"
The WTF Happened? award: WIDOPUWEGHOSARMS...49 points, another starting WR lost for the year, and bookend -1's on the scoreboard...WTF?!?!...enough said...
Ca$h Update: High Point Game: You know - 184
MVP: #18 - 193
Semi-good luck this week, play MEDIUM, and... stay hydrated my friends...
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