Wednesday, November 08, 2006

New Perspective

I've decided that, to preserve my sanity, I have to find another way of looking at the divorce. It's breaking my heart and stressing me out. I know that mothers cannot bear to see their children hurt (all mothers except Stefani, that is) and when Steve is doing better, I'll be doing better. But in the meantime I've got to start thinking about how much better off everyone will be without her in our lives. She really was controlling . . . we just didn't mention it. Why? I guess we were afraid she'd be mad. Stupid. She was overly concerned about appearance - her own physical appearance, the way her children appeared to other people, whether the house looked perfect or not. She was probably embarrased by us, but couldn't admit it. I don't think she knows how to love anyone. She certainly doesn't love herself. Steve knew it unconsciously. She used to complain that thanking him for some romantic thing he did was never enough for him, that she couldn't convince him that she really did like whatever it was. Well, what he was looking for was the reaction that someone has when they love you and they are touched that you love them back. That reaction is genuine and he never got it, so he was not convinced that what he did for her mattered to her. It probably didn't.

He was always so happy that I came to his basketball games and at the last game of the year when the players gave their Moms a rose to thank them for their support, I always thought that it would be nice if Stefani was the one in the stands for him instead of me. But, she was teaching, too, so I thought that she just couldn't get away. Now, I'm not so sure. I think she could have come to some of the games - she just wasn't interested. Maybe the next woman will be. Maybe the next woman will really love him and love our whole family.

This will force Steve to take more responsibility and when he meets another woman, he probably won't be so willing to let her manage every single aspect of their life together. She managed their social life and took it with her when she left. She decorated the house except for the "garage" room, and I'll be interested to see what he chooses now that he has the opportunity. She even picked out his clothes. Now he can decide for himself what he wants to wear.

We've already noticed that the kids seem more relaxed and happier when they are with us than they ever have before. Maybe Steve will wake up one morning and realize that he doesn't have to worry about displeasing her ever again.
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